Just read some more of Abby Sunderland and Jessica Watsons blogs. I have a 17yr. old son whom I'm very proud of, I can only imagine how proud their parents must be.
So back to where I think I left off. After my long time friends have voiced their concern for my problems, I start "hanging out" with my new acquaintances. I'm going to kinda ffwd. here and say that in short all the partying I did lost me my house, job(s), friends , family and don't get me started on self worth and all that jazz ( wow, did I just say "all that jazz" ).
I thought it'd be best to leave that last paragraph short. A few reasons, it would take forever to read, I'm more interested in the process of pulling myself out of it and I'll be referring back to it as I go.
OK, at this point I'm having trouble separating crazy from normal, and fearing I won't ever be able to return and not realising I've lost it. I found myself ( 38yrs. old, 6'1", 160lbs. ) in this run down motel on the outer edge of town with this then 28 yr.old girl who was my party buddy for the last couple years. Before this we'd been in almost every motel in town which we'd either been thrown out of or just ran out of money for rent. The girl I refer to, a very pretty girl and a very crazy girl, literally. The two of us were a kind of peas in a pod scenario, but that last morning I can't say why for sure, but I'd had enough. I just grabbed my bag, told her I had to go and left at like 4am ( keep in mind our self induced haze ). I called the only people who barely still talked to me, my parents and asked them ( in short )to pick me up I was finally done. I walked into this expensive motels lobby sat on their couch and fell asleep for the 1st time in a however many days.
So after my parents find me passed out in this lobby, they take me to a hospital, and I have to lie about being suicidal so they will admit me because there is no detox for cocaine, period. 10 days it took to imaginably detox.
The hospital recommends the hardest and longest recovery program there is, The Salvation Army. Very strict on their rules and 6 months in length. WOW, I thought to myself, but what choices I had were clear, return from where I came, or, recovery. Salvation Army here I come.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Let the Party Begin
I was 30 when we got divorced. Our son was five. He has done really well all things considered. At first it was awkward because some of our friends didn't know which "side" they were supposed to be on, time would answer that question for us.
I think it was about 5 or 6 months after the separation I felt compelled to make sure I was having more fun than she was. I don't know if she felt the same way or not. I was going out with "my friends" quite a bit and I was genuinely having a good time, usually. Fortunately I'm a pretty good looking guy and back then ( 10 yrs. ) I was in very good shape, being newly divorced and all. This in mind, any attractive female that paid attention to me automatically got mine in return. I dated anyone, 1 was 10yrs. younger and 1 was 9yrs. older and all of them in between. Since this is, advanced honesty, I did not have sex with them all, after all there were quite a few, jeez.
My soon to be typically tragic tale started zeroing in on me about a year and a half after we were separated ( took 2 yrs. to legally get divorced ). My friends and I were hanging out one evening drinking, when they asked me if I wanted to go over to the neighbors house and buy some coke? Prior to this, I hadn't done anything since the little bit in the service ( about 9-10yrs prior. ). Keep in mind this is cliche suburban America not Harlem, regardless, I say why, HELL YEAH, so we did.
I could almost instantly see this was going to be the start of something big. It was so much better than I ever remembered it being. Looking back, I thought I was happy and OK with what was going on in my life, I couldn't of been more wrong. One thing I knew for sure was how good and how OK with my life I was when I used. At first it was the weekend warrior thing ( though I couldn't understand how my friends weren't just dying for the weekend to arrive like I was ) then I started buying from their guy who I managed to make friends with ( imagine that ).
I think it took 5-8 months before I started to do the stuff at work. At first I hated doing it there but it got to a point I had to just to stay awake and to function.
One thing I feel I should point out here is, this is the time when I don't put 100% trust in my memory recall, but it's all I got. I'm not sure when I made the move from coke to meth, but part of the reason was the amount of coke I needed to do was huge compared to the little bit of meth it took to stay functioning, so for a little while I did both. Coke high and meth high, other than staying awake they're very different highs, and preferred the coke, I mean after all I wasn't some speed freak, I HAD MORALS!
So, coke and I stopped seeing each other and miss methamphetamine and I were exclusive. Shoot, it made perfect financial sense, I mean after all I had a house, car, child support and all the other payments that people have at that age, and with my rapidly increasing habit I had to cut out coke, E, mushrooms, blah, blah, blah. I never tried heroin in any form, I was more for the happy party drug crowd.
Around this time I start to notice it's getting hard to pay my bills and some "normal friends" are beginning to become concerned. My partying is waaay out of control but I am only doing it with people who can do it like I do ( A LOT ). Well until next time
I think it was about 5 or 6 months after the separation I felt compelled to make sure I was having more fun than she was. I don't know if she felt the same way or not. I was going out with "my friends" quite a bit and I was genuinely having a good time, usually. Fortunately I'm a pretty good looking guy and back then ( 10 yrs. ) I was in very good shape, being newly divorced and all. This in mind, any attractive female that paid attention to me automatically got mine in return. I dated anyone, 1 was 10yrs. younger and 1 was 9yrs. older and all of them in between. Since this is, advanced honesty, I did not have sex with them all, after all there were quite a few, jeez.
My soon to be typically tragic tale started zeroing in on me about a year and a half after we were separated ( took 2 yrs. to legally get divorced ). My friends and I were hanging out one evening drinking, when they asked me if I wanted to go over to the neighbors house and buy some coke? Prior to this, I hadn't done anything since the little bit in the service ( about 9-10yrs prior. ). Keep in mind this is cliche suburban America not Harlem, regardless, I say why, HELL YEAH, so we did.
I could almost instantly see this was going to be the start of something big. It was so much better than I ever remembered it being. Looking back, I thought I was happy and OK with what was going on in my life, I couldn't of been more wrong. One thing I knew for sure was how good and how OK with my life I was when I used. At first it was the weekend warrior thing ( though I couldn't understand how my friends weren't just dying for the weekend to arrive like I was ) then I started buying from their guy who I managed to make friends with ( imagine that ).
I think it took 5-8 months before I started to do the stuff at work. At first I hated doing it there but it got to a point I had to just to stay awake and to function.
One thing I feel I should point out here is, this is the time when I don't put 100% trust in my memory recall, but it's all I got. I'm not sure when I made the move from coke to meth, but part of the reason was the amount of coke I needed to do was huge compared to the little bit of meth it took to stay functioning, so for a little while I did both. Coke high and meth high, other than staying awake they're very different highs, and preferred the coke, I mean after all I wasn't some speed freak, I HAD MORALS!
So, coke and I stopped seeing each other and miss methamphetamine and I were exclusive. Shoot, it made perfect financial sense, I mean after all I had a house, car, child support and all the other payments that people have at that age, and with my rapidly increasing habit I had to cut out coke, E, mushrooms, blah, blah, blah. I never tried heroin in any form, I was more for the happy party drug crowd.
Around this time I start to notice it's getting hard to pay my bills and some "normal friends" are beginning to become concerned. My partying is waaay out of control but I am only doing it with people who can do it like I do ( A LOT ). Well until next time
Sunday, April 25, 2010
A Little History
Well since I don't know were to begin I'm just going to start.
First things first, how I found out about this is I read an article on Abby Sunderland ( the 16yr. old sailing around the world ) and then read some of her blog. I guess I've always been fascinated ( or envious ) of anyone who embarks on a solo type of adventure. So, anyhow, that is how I got the idea that this would be a great place for me to try and shake some of my self inflicted insecurities, figure out how to make sense of my thoughts and some general unloading.
Warning, if proper grammar and form bothers you maybe you should move on.
My life history, briefly, is, I grew up as normal, as normal is defined. My parents are hard working middle class people who always took care of what they should have, they're the most honest people I know. Myself and my siblings always had what we needed and most of what we wanted.
Fast forwarding, I went into the Marines mid - late 80s, it was the most fun I never want to do again. Then after I got out, I came back home, got a job, got married, had a child and then got divorced after a number of years. This is not a feel sorry for myself point, my ex and I get along pretty good and it was some time ago.
It was after my divorce ( not because of it ) that my life as I knew it was about to go wildly out of control but I'll start on that can of worms tomorrow.
First things first, how I found out about this is I read an article on Abby Sunderland ( the 16yr. old sailing around the world ) and then read some of her blog. I guess I've always been fascinated ( or envious ) of anyone who embarks on a solo type of adventure. So, anyhow, that is how I got the idea that this would be a great place for me to try and shake some of my self inflicted insecurities, figure out how to make sense of my thoughts and some general unloading.
Warning, if proper grammar and form bothers you maybe you should move on.
My life history, briefly, is, I grew up as normal, as normal is defined. My parents are hard working middle class people who always took care of what they should have, they're the most honest people I know. Myself and my siblings always had what we needed and most of what we wanted.
Fast forwarding, I went into the Marines mid - late 80s, it was the most fun I never want to do again. Then after I got out, I came back home, got a job, got married, had a child and then got divorced after a number of years. This is not a feel sorry for myself point, my ex and I get along pretty good and it was some time ago.
It was after my divorce ( not because of it ) that my life as I knew it was about to go wildly out of control but I'll start on that can of worms tomorrow.
My 1st blog, ever.
Hmmm, I feel safer going totally anonymous with this. Obviously I'm new and since I'm at work ( easy ) this will be short. In a year from this day it'll be interesting to look back at this and see what has happened. Will I mature as a blogger? Will I have anyone read a single one of these? Will I continue this for very long at all? The only thing I will say is that for how ever long this goes I will be totally honest ( reason I went anonymous ). I've got my story to tell at the very least, good and the bad.
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